From Hawaii to The Racecourse?

Lets imagine that Mr S.Claus is a football fan, and, having just vacated Honolulu at the end of the yearly long old slog, he had a free present left to give to a team. Who / what would you want him to deliver?  In the interest of giving a fair and balanced opinion I have had to ban myself from selecting anything to do with my team, and therefore by definition anything negative to do with a certain other team!

In the spirit of the season I think it is only fair to look lower down the leagues. The Premiership clubs remind me of an only child of 2 millionaires, they have everything they could ever need and are frankly not grateful for any extra presents anyway! So, Steve Evans' arrest and banning from anything to do with football was the first thing to jump into my head, but, whilst this may be deserved and to the liking of all other clubs I thought it a bit too harsh for Christmas. Maybe that should be more of an Easter gift!!

Then I thought Billy Sharp to get top goalscorer. In my mind this would be a fitting tribute to the man, who has emerged with great credit from a period of personal nightmare. If he stays at Donny I hope this happens, but he's currently being linked with a club that I hope score nothing but own goals for the rest of the season!

Tamworth to get a result at Goodison would be great, but then it would give the crazy anti Moyes minority more to get their teeth into. Tamworth's chairman I'm sure has already had his Christmas present with that particular draw anyway!

Suddenly the answer came to me in a moment of great inspiration, possibly the only time that anyone has been inspired by looking at the Conference table. Sitting at the top is a club that has had to put up with its fair share of nonsense. They've had an owner who bought the club purely with the aim of winding it up and making money from property development. Recently they've run out of money and had to prove to the league that they would be able to to fulfil their fixtures. They have then lost a manager just as they were moving along nicely.  They are also a club who gave me one of my best childhood sporting memories thanks to Mickey Thomas and Steve Watkin!

Now though, they are owned by their Supporters Trust, have made money from an agreement with their local University and have a new, and seemingly more than competent, Manager in Andy Morrell.

So Mr Claus, if you have time on your way back to Lapland, can you stop off at the Racecourse Ground and leave the Conference (sorry Blue Square Bet Premier) trophy under the tree. Diolch yn fawr! 

All I Want For Christmas Is 2 Tickets At Hillsborough

Watching TV on Saturday I found myself listening to an interview with Milan Mandaric. The general gist of it was that he had plans to redevelop Hillsborough in the near future. It got me thinking that Hillsborough is the one stadium in England that I'd hate to see redeveloped.

I understand the money that can be raised by the sandwich eating brigade, and I know that if Sheffield Wednesday are ever to return to the top flight, they need the 7 day a week money making opportunity that good hospitality facilities can bring. I would take the opportunity to market the stadium very differently though.

Hillsborough is the best example of what a football stadium used to be. It is an actual piece of living history. It is to be admired that a place still exists where there are four huge stands designed purely for watching the game. Every child should be given the opportunity to watch a game there to get an understanding of what 20th century football was all about. If I was Milan Mandaric I would be saying, "Come to Sheffield Wednesday and watch a game in a traditional football stadium, where there is nothing else to do except watch the game." I truely believe he could be on to a winner. In fact, it should be a stipulation that anyone who buys a Club Wembley seat MUST go and watch a game at Hillsborough.

Apparently Gary Megson takes all potential new players to the middle of the Hillsborough Kop so that they can appreciate the club that they represent. I think this is a great idea, and I'd take it further. All new fans of the big Premiership clubs should be taken to Hillsborough to watch a game, so that they can appreciate the sport that they represent.

I urge anyone who hasn't been, to go and watch a game there before it is too late.

Surely Not All Everton Fans Are Stupid?

Everton are a club I always had a bit of a soft spot for as a kid. I remember being pleased when Wayne Clarke toe poked one in in the Merseyside Derby to end a long unbeaten run by the Reds, and any team with Big Nev in goal was OK with me. I have to confess that this is rapidly changing now, thanks to the moronic element amongst their support.

How many times have we got to hear them moaning about Bill Kenwright not selling the club? The man is a passionate Everton fan who wants the club to succeed, and so will not sell the club to any old fool with a few spare million. What is wrong with this? In the last 5 years my club has been owned by a member of the Russian Mafia, the only Sheikh with no money, a Hong Kong businessman who had never seen a football and now an Eastern European consortium who have no money. Selling the club does not always result in a better situation. Just ask Liverpool.. I know that I would love to have a chairman who cared for my club as much as Kenwright cares for Everton. Part of modern day football involves knowing your place. Everton's place is between 7th and 14th, which is where Kenwright has consistently allowed them to function. Throw in a decent cup run every now and again and that, I'm afraid, is the best that Everton can hope for.

Everyone seems to cite Chelsea and Manchester City as the model to follow, but they are just freak occurances. Clubs who happened to be in the right place when a stupidly rich person came along. Spurs have always had money, they are just well run now. United, Arsenal and Liverpool have been at the top for years. You can't just break into the top 6 anymore. Everton fans I plead with you to stop your moaning and accept your place. There are 85 clubs who would love to be Everton..........

Apparently now, according to some supporters, Moyes needs to move on as well to take the club to the next level. Don't even get me started on that one.

Christmas Cheer For Steve Kean

Lets get one thing out of the way at the start. Blackburn fans I feel your pain. My club has gone through more bad owners than it is possible to imagine. However, whilst watching an unshaven fat man shouting abuse at Steve Kean last night I have searched deep into my football memory to find a manager who was even more out of their depth than our Steve is. Granted, it was a hard task, mainly because most clubs have the decency to give the manager his marching orders long before he gets the opportunity to make a coplete fool out of himself. I have the proof though. Merry Christmas Steve Kean, you are not the worst manager ever!

It is often stated that one of the problems Kean has is that he hasn't played the game at any great level and so doesn't have the respect of the players, but certain managers in the capital have proved that this is irrelevant if you know what you're doing. To prove that playing ability has no bearing on managerial ability we will consider the case of the worst manager in the history of English football. A man who played 62 times for England, who represented his country in the World Cup, who played for famous clubs at home and abroad and who was generally considered to be one of the best players of the period.

We also need to consider the club, Kean is working with the crazy Indian chicken farmers at a club that is quickly becoming a joke. Admittedly no one but the Venkys would have considered giving Kean the job, but lets not hide the fact that he is working at a badly run club, which can't help. The man I'm talking about worked at a well run club that had consistently punched above its weight for years. When he took the job, they had just been relegated from the Premier League and had money in the bank to push straight back up.

In less than 2 years David Platt ruined Nottingham Forest in a way no other manager has done to a club. He alienated the existing players, many of whom had been top division players for years. He blew millions of pounds on his friends from Italy, players like Gianluca Petrachi and Salvatore Matrecano who I can't even remember. He fell out with nearly all of the local media. He banished my friend Kev (who was working for student radio) from a press conference for questioning his tactics. He got no results on the pitch, achieving at best mid table mediocrity, and most telling of all he was single handedly responsible for the mountain of debt that almost sent Forest out of business. Whatever you say about Steve Kean, when he does get the boot he won't have bankrupted Blackburn.

In 2007 I went and saw a struggling Forest play at Roots Hall in League 1. When Southend took the lead the away end broke into a chant that sums up just how bad David Platt was. 7 years after he'd left the Forest fans were still singing "David Platt's a fucking idiot!"

For all the brilliant players Manchester City have, they also have David Platt on the coaching staff. This, despite so much evidence to the contrary on the pitch, is the reason that so many people still think that the title will be heading to Old Trafford!

So Blackburn fans, keep the faith, It could be worse. Unless, after Kean leaves you see David Platt's car arriving at the training ground. If that's the case, I'd seriously consider Turf Moor!

An Own Goal Lights Up A Match..

Is This The Greatest Own Goal Ever?

Wasting away 20 minutes yesterday watching Sky Sports News, the footage of this own goal was shown. It was one of those moments that made me whoop and clap my hands. It is truly a thing of beauty. Festus Baise, you deserve to go down in the history of sport as a great!

It got me thinking about own goals. They light up a game in a way that a Rooney overhead kick never could. We can all relate to the guy who arse's one into his own net in a way that we never could to the superstar players.

I've decided that I should list my favourite three own goals:


Gordon Chisholm - Norwich City 1-0 Sunderland - Milk Cup Final, 1985

Gordon Chisholm - From 1.30 onwards

 This was one of the first games I can remember, which is probably why I hold it in such high esteem. On the face of it is an unlucky deflection past a wrong footed keeper, nothing unique in that and Gary Mabbutt's OG in the 1987 Cup Final is a much better looking (and cruel) effort.

Let's look at it in a bit more detail though and learn to love the inner beauty of this own goal. Firstly we need to examine the sheer feebleness of the defending by the ginger haired mullet wearing Sunderland number 6. The way that he weakly fails to shield the ball, and then looks like he is running in quicksand as he puffs after John Deehan deserved to concede a goal. The only shame is that the deflection didn't come off of his chest to compel his misery.  Then we have to consider that it is Sunderland. I have no like or dislike of Sunderland, they are geographically about as far away from the club I support as it is possible to be, but I have to admit to enjoying the irony of this goal. In 1973 Sunderland had every bit of luck in the world on their side as they beat Leeds to win the FA Cup. I wasn't alive then, but I'm reliably informed that everyone outside of Leeds and Newcastle rejoiced in Sunderland's victory. The sporting gods decided however that Sunderland must pay for the good fortune given to them in 1973 at the next possible opportunity. Gordon Chisholm HAD to score this own goal to maintain the sporting equilibrium. Every fan knows that for each Jim Montgomery moment, there has to be a Gordon Chisholm............. Now, just don't mention Clive Mendonca!

Gordon Strachan - Leeds United 4-3 Liverpool - Charity Shield 1992 

 Gordon Strachan - From 8.04 onwards

I'm not picking on Scottish men called Gordon, honestly! If Chisholms OG needs a bit of detailed analysis to see the real beauty of it, then Strachan's is as obvious a thing of beauty as you will ever see. There is not a more aesthetically pleasing own goal around. The little man picked the perfect time aswell. The Charity Shield used to signal the end of 3 football free months, so everyone used to watch it in delight, no matter what garbage was on show. Leeds and Liverpool would need to conjure up something special to beat the Keegan / Bremner roll the sleeves aggression of the 70's. Strachan, realised that although a 4-2 victory was a good start for his team, the general football public needed a real talking point to get them all going for the 9 month slog ahead. Defending on the far post he watched as the ball came to Mark Wright, who fired a tame shot goalwards. Coolly attempting to trap the ball before knocking it away, the wee man managed to knock it between his right and left feet before backheeling over the line. 5 seconds after Andy Gray said "good attacking football....It's been great to watch," Strachan showed what the vast majority of football fans had really wanted to see. A highly paid, international footballer making a complete tool of himself.

Chris Brass - Darlington v Bury - League 2 2006

Chris Brass

Chris Brass sums up everything I love about football. The thing about the 2 Gordon's is that they had amazingly successful careers and scored their own goals at Wembley. Chris Brass must have been an amazing footballer to have had a decent career. I had 2 lads in my school team who went on to be professional footballers and I know how much better than the rest of us they were. Chris Brass, with a bit of luck could have been a Premiership player, because there is not that much difference between a lot of League 2 players and lower division Premiership players. In short Chris Brass is 50 times the footballer than we ever could have been. He will be remembered for one thing though, one thing that took place infront of about 2000 people, but thanks to TV and internet has been seen by millions worldwide.  It is just Chris Brass' bad luck that he played out his 300 or so league games in the internet age. Many a buffoon in the 1950's never had to cope with their mistakes being endlessly repeated, and talked about by idiots like me.

A cross comes in and Brass, in the left back position, with no opposition player near by, has a range of options to clear the ball. Deciding that a header back to the keeper could result in an unnecessary corner, or own goal, Brass decides that the best way of dealing with the cross is to hook the ball away over his own head, towards the half way line. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this thinking. In fact, as a percentage option it is probably the best one to take as it is the least likely way of conceding a goal.. In that situation, I would have panicked and just smashed it out for a corner. The unfortunate thing for Chris Brass was that he smacked the ball into his own face, and then watched as the ball flew apologetically into the back of his own net. It sums up the journeyman footballer in 10 seconds.  If Chris Brass had had good luck, he would have played in the Premiership. If he had good luck he may have been remembered for scoring the winning goal in a big match. If he had had good luck, one day at Darlington he would have cleared a cross over his head and everyone would have forgotten about it. Some fans may have even applauded a job well done. Fortunately for us, Chris Brass had a huge amount of bad luck.


Honourable mentions must go to Lee Dixon, Jamie Pollock and Tony Popovic..... Yours were all works of art gentlemen, but I have to draw the line somewhere!

Hello

I love sport, pretty much every one there is (apart from horse dancing!) I love a great goal, a beautiful try, a perfect cover drive and a well executed top spin lob, but most of all I love the way that gloriously well paid, talented athletes get to make themselves look like a horse's arse infront of thousands. My blog will be my personal thanks to those who were destined to make idiots out of themselves.